couples vow exchange vows wedding and ceremony planning

Exchanging vows before the wedding ceremony

Published Wednesday, Jun. 30th, 2021

Private wedding vows: How to exchange private vows before the ceremony for a nontraditional wedding, plus tips on how to write wedding vows

A bride and groom embrace lovingly before the wedding ceremony, the photo is a black and white portrait of two people in love. The man wears a Hawaiian print shirt and the woman is in a sleeveless wedding dress. — . Away from the crowd: Exchanging vows privately before the ceremony is a beautiful way to honor your commitment and create a intimate moment you can cherish for years to come

How to exchange your wedding vows in private for a sweet moment that's all yours

If you love the idea of writing and exchanging personalized wedding vows, but cringe at the thought of reading them aloud in front of every single person at your wedding ceremony, we have the perfect suggestion:

Exchange personalized vows with your partner in private before your public ceremony.

Sharing private wedding vows before the ceremony allows you to say just what you want to, just the way you want to, and at your own pace without an audience.

And if you’re planning a formal or religious wedding, exchanging written vows privately gives you the opportunity to create a quiet, intimate moment -- away from the pressures of family, friends, or tradition.

Some couples choose a time right before the ceremony, before the guests arrive. Others plan something special a day or two beforehand (like Prince Harry and Meghan Markle did ahead of their royal event).

How to exchange personal vows in private before the ceremony begins:

First, decide with your partner if you want to write your custom vows together or separately, and if you’ll exchange them the day of the wedding or some time before. Leave yourselves plenty of time to work on them -- ideally weeks, not hours, unless you’re a natural wordsmith. We cover how to write private wedding vows in more detail in the next section!

Next, decide whether you prefer to keep this sweet moment just between the two of you, or if you want your wedding officiant to witness your promises.

If you’d like your wedding officiant to witness your private exchange in order to make your vows feel more ‘official’, bring this up with them early in the planning process. You’ll want to mention whether or not the exchange will be the same day as the wedding, and how much extra time (and cost) this will add to their usual responsibilities.

Then, decide if you still want to include a public vow exchange during the ceremony, and let your officiant know your choice. If you do, consider using classic ‘call and response’ vows, or a shortened version of your written vows that will be appropriate for all guests.

When it comes time to exchange personal vows in private, find a quiet spot away from guests, family, and any pressures of the day. Take a minute to connect -- hold hands, dance together, take a few breaths to get centered -- then speak from the heart. This exchange can happen right before your ceremony begins, or before you leave for the venue. We recommend you write or print your vows on a piece of paper or in a vow journal, and avoid reading them off of a phone or tablet if possible. Reading vows privately is intimate and organic, no screens needed!

Bride looks lovingly at groom, who is standing in front of her facing away from the camera

Photo by Becerra Govea / Pexels

Exchanging personal vows in private is a beautiful way to make your wedding day memorable, intimate, and uniquely YOU.

How to write private wedding vows

You can take several different approaches when writing wedding vows. The key is to speak from the heart: include authentic details from your relationship in a way that sounds like you. Remember, when you write wedding vows, you're writing the promises you make for the future in your marriage.

Using vow prompts and a vow booklet or vow journal can be very helpful! Some vow journals contain prompt questions for vows, like "when did you first realize you were in love?", "what does marriage mean to you?", and "what is a quality you love most about your partner?"

Order our Elegant Vow Journal Set (with Prompt Questions for Vows)

These prompts can get your creativity flowing and make it easier to write your vows. One benefit of exchanging personal vows in private is that whatever you write will be shared only with the person who matters most -- your partner!

Here are a few other resources that can help make writing wedding vows a breeze:

Read all Wedding Vows Ideas & Vow Examples

Need a wedding officiant? Ask a friend or relative to get ordained online free with AMM to officiate!

Online ordination is free, easy, and fast with American Marriage Ministries. AMM ordains people from all backgrounds and faiths, and our ordinations are recognized in every state* (it's much harder in Virginia, where we're looking into our options).

We also have lots of resources for first time wedding officiants, including a sample wedding ceremony script library, to make sure your wedding is everything you dream it will be! Click the links to get started and become an ordained minister online:

A young wedding officiant marries an older couple during an outdoor wedding ceremony in the summer

Photo: WavebreakMediaMicro / Adobe Stock

Get ordained online today to officiate a wedding!

Jessica Levey

Lead Staff Writer & Illustrator

Jessica loves exploring the history and magic of ritual, the connections between people and places, and sharing true stories about love and commitment. She's an advocate for marriage equality, LGBTQ+ rights, and individuality, and is an ordained Minister with AMM. When she’s not writing or illustrating for AMM, she enjoys city hikes, fantasy novels, comics, and traveling.

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