How Wedding Officiants Can Work Best with Autistic Couples

Asked to officiate a wedding for an Autistic friend or family member? Planning a wedding ceremony for an Autistic couple for the first time?

 

 

If you’ve been asked to officiate a wedding for an Autistic friend or family member, or are planning a wedding ceremony for an Autistic couple for the first time (or you just want to learn more about working with ASD and other neurodivergent people), you’re in the right place! 

 

Below, you’ll find 6 simple suggestions to make the ceremony planning process more autism-friendly… and tips on how to improve your communication skills and create better connections with couples in general. 

 

Although the suggestions below are written for non-Autistic wedding officiants helping Autistic couples to comfortably navigate the ceremony planning process, these skills are universal.

 

They can help any wedding officiant build stronger working relationships with any couple -- especially those who are new to planning a wedding ceremony! 

 

 

 

Congratulations on being asked to officiate a wedding!

It's truly an honor to join two people in marriage. 

 

Don't forget you'll need to get ordained online first, 

and check out the rest of our training tools for help getting started. 

 

 

 

 

1. Talk to Autistic adults the same as you would any other adult

 

This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised by how common it is for folks to ‘dumb down’ their language when they find out they’re talking to someone who’s Autistic, or in the most cringe-worthy cases, treat Autistic adults like children. Please don’t do this. 

 

Remember that Autistic adults are adults, and no two Autistic people are exactly the same. This is true even when Autistic adults communicate differently than allistic individuals (non-Autistic individuals), or bring a friend or family member to a meeting to support them. This goes for nonspeaking Autistics, too! 

 

Whenever possible, communicate in the ways your couple is most comfortable with, including written exchanges (emails or texting) or video calls. Consider that certain forms of communication, such as talking on the phone or meeting in a loud environment, might be more challenging for Autistics than they are for neurotypicals (non-neurodivergent folks), and try to stay flexible.

 

Keep in mind that subtle differences in body language, movements, or posture are just common features of autism, and don't mean you've lost your couple's confidence or attention. These differences can include limited eye contact or looking away, fidgeting or foot tapping, slouching, or similar things.  

 

The best approach when speaking with Autistic individuals is to address them just like you would any other adult -- with respect, patience, authenticity, and great listening skills. 

 

Still, there are a few things you can do to make the entire wedding process smoother (for your Autistic and allistic couples), which brings us to the rest of this list! 

 

 

Weddings between Autistic and allistic people, or between two Autistic people,

are as unique as the couple -- and are filled with fun, friends, joy, and love.

 

 

2. Use a written questionnaire

 

Many established wedding officiants use a detailed questionnaire to gather useful information from an engaged couple about their relationship and the type of ceremony they’d like to have. We love a good questionnaire! 

 

Autistic or not, most couples will need time to consider important questions and answer authentically while making big choices about their wedding day, and a take-home questionnaire provides this time and space in a low-pressure way. 

 

Some Autistic individuals might need more time, a day or more, to consider different elements of the ceremony before answering. Questionnaires are brilliant at providing the time needed to do this.

 

Examples of what to include in a questionnaire include a couple’s names, pronouns, how they met, where and when the wedding will be held, what unity ritual(s) they want to include, if they want a sensory-friendly or unplugged ceremony, and whether friends and family members will participate in the ceremony.

 

Detailed questionnaires might also ask couples to describe their partner in their own words, and to share their favorite memories together or what they hope for in the future.
 

Related: Tips on Gender & Pronouns for Inclusive Wedding Officiants

 

When asking questions during face-to-face conversations, be specific about what you want to know and leave enough time for everyone to answer thoughtfully. 

 

 

Written questionnaires give couples a chance to answer important questions at their own pace.

 

 

 

3. Outline each part of the planning process

 

The more information you can offer any couple during the ceremony planning process, the better! Uncertainty can cause some Autistic folks a lot of anxiety. Reducing this uncertainty by providing plenty of details from the start can be very helpful. 

 

It can be helpful to create a timetable or timeline for the tasks you and your couple will need to complete before the wedding day… then stick to it. (That last bit is important, and changes to the schedule should be made only when necessary.) Send frequent reminders about important dates and deadlines as they approach.

 

 

• Here's a timeline for Officiants: The Officiant Timeline

 

• And a timeline for Couples: A Simple Wedding Planning Checklist & Timeline for Busy Couples

 

A good timeline combines the tools above. It should describe when you’ll complete each item you’ve agreed to as part of your service package -- such as writing and revising a custom wedding ceremony script, drafting custom wedding vows, or choosing a wedding sermon or special reading. It will also describe when the couple needs to have their items done -- such as applying for a marriage license, writing their own vows, or choosing a ring bearer. 

 

Be sure to schedule any follow-up meetings and rehearsals, too, and stick to the timeline. 

 

It’s a good business practice to provide all couples with a clear written contract (and invoice) outlining what services you’ll provide, how much each service costs, when your fee is due, and what to do if something unexpected happens (such as an illness, family emergency, cancellation of service, or missed payment). 

 

Let your couple know your ‘office hours,' when you’re available to talk, and the best way to reach you if they have questions.

 

Related: Attention Couples: Want an Awesome Ceremony? Schedule regular meetings and work closely with your officiant!

 

 

Autistic people sometimes find a quiet room at their wedding venue where they can recharge

and regroup from stress during the rehearsal or the wedding ceremony.

 

 

 

4. Learn to love the rehearsal

 

All Autistic individuals are unique, but the desire to know what to expect from a new situation is a common trait. Many Autistic individuals prefer a degree of familiarity when doing something new -- like standing center stage in a wedding ceremony! 

 

One of the best ways to add familiarity to the wedding day is by practicing the ceremony’s flow of events one or two times beforehand. You guessed it -- a wedding ceremony rehearsal.

 

(Honestly, this is true for everyone. Everyone benefits from a rehearsal.)

 

Offer to rehearse the ceremony with your couple. Some couples don’t know this is an option, especially if it's their first time getting married. If you charge extra for rehearsals, state the additional costs ahead of time. Be prepared to run through every part of the ceremony step by step, and if possible, hold your rehearsal at the wedding venue.

 

To provide even more support, write out the order of the ceremony (including the ‘stage directions’ that tell each person where to stand and when to move during the ceremony), and send a copy of this script to your couple a week or two before the rehearsal.

 

 

Weddings with an Autistic nearlywed might be casual, formal, small, or large...

It all depends on the couple!

 

 

5. Ask what to wear (or not wear)

 

Autistic folks process sensory information differently than neurotypical folks do, which means that some may be affected by scents, colors, sounds, fabrics, and other sensory stimuli more than others, including those from clothing or perfumes. And blocking out painful or distracting stimuli can become more difficult in stressful settings (like a busy wedding venue).

 

Just as you would with any other couple, ask for general guidance on what to wear (and not wear) to their ceremony.

 

Avoid bright colors or shiny / noisy fabrics unless your couple requests them. You might also want to avoid strong smelling soaps and perfumes the day of the wedding. (Again, this is good advice for any wedding.)

 

If this is your first time officiating, What to Wear (and Not Wear) as a Wedding Officiant is a good fashion primer.

 

 

 

 

6. Find Autistic-lead organizations to learn more

 

Want to learn more about your Autistic friends, family members, or clients?

 

Seek out Autistic-lead self-advocacy organizations and blogs written by Autistic individuals in the wedding industry to learn more. Autistic adults are the best resource for learning about their experiences. 

 

A few Autistic-lead resources include: 

 

• Autistic Bride

Wedding planning articles and user-submitted examples of Real Weddings from within the Autistic community. 

 

 

• Autistic Self Advocacy Network
  A nonprofit advocacy organization run by and for Autistic individuals. 

 

 

• Autistic Women and Nonbinary Network
  A nonprofit that provides community, support, and resources for Autistic women, girls, transfeminine and transmasculine nonbinary people, trans people of all genders, Two Spirit people, and all others of marginalized genders.

 

 

 

Did you know? 

New estimates suggest that at least 1 in 36 people have Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), but it’s nearly impossible to know this number for sure. Many individuals don’t realize they’re Autistic until they’re adults, and many others are undiagnosed because of diagnostic biases and Autistic masking (when Autistic folks hide their awesome Autistic traits to ‘fit into’ a neurotypical world). 

 

And while most Autistic adults prefer identity-first language -- which means using “Autistic person” or “Autistics,” versus “person with autism” -- all individuals and families have their own perspectives on this. So follow their lead! 

 

If you've been a wedding officiant for a while, you’ve probably worked with an Autistic adult, an Autistic couple, Autistic parents or grandparents, or other neurodivergent adults, maybe even without knowing it! 

 

(And we bet it was an especially fun wedding, too.)

…

 

 

This article was written with help from the Autistic community, and we want to make sure we get it right! If you have feedback or suggestions to help us improve this article, please email us at [email protected].

 

 

Updated April 5, 2023.

 

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You might also like: 

 

• How to plan an accessible and disability-friendly wedding ceremony

 

• Tips on Gender & Pronouns for Inclusive Wedding Officiants

 

• How Wedding Officiants Can Cancel Last-Minute Without Ruining the Ceremony

 

 

Articles for First Time Officiants
 

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