Would You Officiate Your Ex’s Wedding Ceremony?

There are plenty of ways to make a wedding awkward with your ex. Agreeing to be their plus-one, for example, or attending as a guest while they marry someone new. And “accidentally” hooking up with an ex at a wedding is definitely awkward. But what about agreeing to be their wedding officiant? 

Would you ever officiate an ex’s wedding ceremony? 

This scenario comes up more often than you might think. In fact, maybe you were asked to officiate for an ex, and that’s why you’re here! It turns out, some people are really excited about the idea of marrying an ex — to someone else. 

“In March, I will be officiating my ex-boyfriends’ wedding. Yep, two ex-boyfriends. One wedding. And it’s even more complicated than that: These particular exes are from a triad relationship that ended two years ago,” Micheal Foulk wrote in an article for Slate a couple years ago. “I’m going to be there, at my exes’ wedding, to regale an audience of our friends and some of their family with nice stories about them while wearing a handsomely tailored suit. And I couldn’t be happier about it.”

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In another example, an ex-turned-officiant writes: “I dated A for a couple years before and during Covid, and we broke up amicably. We were both ENM [Ethically NonMonogamous]. He started dating S before we broke up. We stayed friends and we care deeply about each other, and I’ve grown to care deeply about S, as well…A just asked me to officiate their wedding! I am so honoured.”

And it’s not just people in the poly community or Gen Z that seem to be navigating this test of emotional intelligence together, either. 

A woman in an opposite-sex relationship brought the issue up to Dear Prudence over a decade ago, writing: “My fiancé and I don’t want a big to-do but would like to mark the occasion with a small ceremony and invite immediate family and a few close friends…My ex-husband and I remained civil to one another for the sake of our children. Once the hurt of our failed marriage had healed, we developed a friendship based on mutual interests and shared history. My fiancé and my ex get along well, and we occasionally socialize with him and his significant other. My ex is a judge and as such is able to perform weddings. My fiancé and I talked it over and would like to ask him to marry us.” 

But not everyone sees the point, or the positive, in choosing an officiant with so much history. Maybe you're one of them. Even Prudence (aka Emily Yoffe), the sensible advice columnist that she is, suggested that the bride-to-be mentioned above find a different officiant to perform her wedding if it would help keep the family peace. 

After all, any friend or relative can get ordained to officiate a wedding these days. There’s no need to keep fishing in a small pond, so to speak.

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Still, it’s worth noting the level of acceptance (and healing, perhaps) it takes to officiate an ex’s wedding with benevolence and joy. These folks certainly seem to be coming from a genuinely loving place: 

“It is so nice when you hear about healthy breakups and people being able to be happy about a former partner finding love and having success,” one person notes. 

“The co officiants of my wedding, one my ex, ended up dating 15 years later…when it's awesome, it's awesome,” another adds.

And some communities, especially queer communities, enjoy a kind of necessary closeness, even after breakups, that might seem ‘weird’ or awkward from the outside: “Having spent over a decade growing and loving in the queer community,” Micheal Foulk writes, “I’ve learned that relationships can be a lot more malleable than traditional paradigms give them credit for.”

“Yes, my ex-partners asked me to marry them," he says. "Yes, I suppose it’s ‘weird,’ but honestly when have I not been ‘weird?’ (Queer life without weird is Will & Grace.). Finally, I didn’t say no because I’m excited to do this for them, I care about them, and as they put it, I’m ‘a good public speaker.’”

So what do you think? 

Would you officiate your ex’s wedding? Are there any ex’s you’ve stayed on such good terms with?

And if you found this article because you were asked to officiate an ex’s wedding and decided to say yes, you’re in the right place! 

Check out the links below to get ordained with AMM and start planning the ceremony. 

• How to Get Ordained Online & Officiate a Friend’s Wedding Ceremony
   
• 3 Tips for Writing a Second Marriage Wedding Script
   
• Dealing with Family Dynamics: Your Guide to a Drama Free Wedding Ceremony
   
• Who Should You Invite to your Wedding?
   
• Asked to Officiate a Friend’s Wedding? Ask These 5 Questions to Plan an Unforgettable Ceremony!
   
• Sample Vows for Polyamorous Wedding & Commitment Ceremonies