Jack Carlson

PROCESSION

(EVERYONE IS SEATED, WEDDING PARTY ENTERS)

INVOCATION

(JACK)

Before we get started with this whole shebangabang, I will remind everyone that while you are more than welcome to take photos during the ceremony, please make sure your phone is on silent and please do not use flash. If you do use flash and I notice, I will stare at you for an incredibly uncomfortable, awkward amount of time and it will be unpleasant for everyone here.

Honored friends and beloved family…Welcome! Louie and Madison thank you all for being here today.

It is not necessary, nor expected for a couple to hold a grand, boisterous celebration of their marriage, but I’m sure it comes to no one’s surprise that these two have elected to do exactly that. Foregoing a quick visit to a courthouse, signing a document, and going back home to continue capturing pictures and videos of their dogs…to send to their friends repeatedly, Louie and Madison decided to kick off this new chapter of their lives with a big bang by sharing this extraordinary day with everyone here.

Louie and Madison believe that it is always best to believe in one’s self and their relationship, but a little help from others can be a great blessing. Both of them recognize and appreciate everyone here and away for being a part of that blessing, while helping to get them to this point today.

Now some of you may be wondering who the hell I am ordaining these two fine people and why I’m up here delaying your drinking, eating, and general tomfoolery, so at the request of the bride and groom, I will briefly introduce myself.

My name is Jack Carlson, privileged and humbled friend to these two wonderful soon-to-be newlyweds. I met Louie my freshman year at a neat little place called Otter Lodge at the University of Minnesota after he transferred from Colorado State in his sophomore year. Prior to this, I had met Henry a few weeks earlier and was informed that both of these goobers would be a part of the Fall 2010 Delta Chi pledge class. A year after that, I was invited on a spring break trip to Copper, Colorado where I had the pleasure of meeting Madison and from then on, I was the super random Edina cake eater that would pow around with Louie and Henry’s Minnetonka friends. Little did I know that 8 years and many powerful memories later, these strangers would become my brothers; as an only child, it’s difficult for me to communicate how truly profound it is to say that. While Louie and I were in Connecticut this past November providing free manual labor to Sam and Carlisle of Little House Brewery, Louie proposed the idea of me ordaining his wedding and I could not begin to describe how much of an honor and privilege it is to be standing here before you at this moment.

For those who do not know, Little House Brewery is a taphouse in Chester, CT that everyone should visit and buy large quantities of their love-infused beers. This shameless plug for the business we invested in is not wholly endorsed by the founders of Little House Brewery LLC but we do not care.

On a more serious note, before we get into the ceremony, we encourage everyone to participate in a brief interactive activity to honor Kelsey Page and Alan “Butto” Bates, who both left this world much too soon in this couple’s and their families’ lives. We will be shouting the new Bates and Page family motto “FUCK CANCER” loud and proud. So everyone please repeat each word after me and don’t be shy about yelling this out:

FUCK

(AUDIENCE)

FUCK

(WEDDING PARTY)

CANCER

(AUDIENCE)

CANCER

(JACK)

A heartfelt thank you to everyone for participating in honoring Kelsey’s memory and “Butto’s” mountainous spirit.

Pivoting over to something less offensive to virgin ears, please direct your attention to Mr. Travis Bernardy and Ms. Emily Arndorfer who will be dictating the poem, “How Falling in Love is Like a Owning a Dog” by Taylor Mali.

(TRAVIS AND EMILY)

Reading: “How Falling in Love is Like Owning a Dog”

(JACK)

Thank you Travis and Emily for that beautiful reading.

Now, for what you all travelled here to experience… please join me in bearing witness to this declaration and spiritual union between Louie and Madison in this truly momentous occasion and cherish the memory you all are helping create here today.

DECLARATION OF INTENT

(JACK)

Will you Madison take Louie to be your lawfully wedded husband, to find all of things he loses and forgets, in sickness and in health, in love for Roxy and Biscuit, for richer or poorer, through friendly and hyper competitive board games, and in support for his family… shredding side by side forever?

(MADISON TO LOUIE)

“I do”

(JACK)

Will you Louie take Madison to be your lawfully wedded wife, to set her up for epic volleyball spikes, in love for Roxy and Biscuit, for richer or poorer, through friendly and hyper competitive board games, and in support for her family… shredding side by side forever?

(LOUIE to MADISON)

“I do”

(APPLAUSE)

VOWS

(JACK)

Now, the bride and the groom will read aloud the vows they have personally authored and dedicated to each other.

(MADISON READS PERSONAL VOWS TO LOUIE)

(LOUIE READS PERSONAL VOWS TO MADISON)

RING EXCHANGE

(JACK)

Both of you have elected to exchange rings…to posses a physical, daily reminder of the love you both declared today… and the love you will cultivate and foster for the rest of your lives. These rings embody the robust, energetic, and durable trust you maintain for each other…while symbolizing your commitment to uphold that trust. The journey to this moment has not been without its challenges. But from the start, you have overcome those obstacles, both big and small, together. Remember what you have learned… dwell on those accomplishments… but never forget that the solution to your problems will always necessitate unwavering efforts in the form of honest communication, decisive action, and an unlimited wealth of support for each other. You two are the Fellowship of these Rings. May they be the light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out. I know I speak for everyone here that we are confident in both of your abilities to uphold the promises and vows dictated here today.

Now, with Louie kicking it off, please exchange your rings.

(LOUIE)

I, Louie, give you Madison this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment to shred together forever.

(MADISON)

I, Madison, give you Louie this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment to shred together forever.

PRONOUNCEMENT

(JACK)

In sight of the seven, I hereby seal these two souls, binding them as one for eternity. Look upon one another and say the words:

(LOUIE AND MADISON IN UNISON)

Father. Smith. Warrior. Mother. Maiden. Crone. Stranger.

I am his/hers, and s/he is mine.

From this day, until the end of my days.

Now for the fun part… By the authority vested in me by the great state of MN, American Marriage Ministries, and the old gods and the new, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Louie, you may kiss your bride.

(APPLAUSE)

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you for the first time… Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Louie and Mrs. Madison Page.

(APPLAUSE)

RECESSION

(PLAY OFF MUSIC, LOUIE/MADISON EXIT, WEDDING PARTY EXITS, I EXIT, AUDIENCE FUCKS OFF TO WHERE EVER USHERS GUIDE THEM)