Amanda L Pollitt

Introduction/Welcome

Ladies and gentlemen, friends, family, Instagram followers, welcome. We are gathered here today not just to witness a marriage, but to celebrate a power couple so iconic, even the Kardashians are taking notes: Nina Marie Bush and Karl Christopher Newman.

Today isn’t just about saying “I do.” It’s about officially confirming what we already know—these two are a match made in luxury-loving, high-maintenance, absolutely-perfect-for-each-other heaven.

Opening Remarks

Now, let’s talk about how it all started. Karl, the battle-hardened Marine and straight-shooting U.S. Marshal, spent nearly a year quietly pining over Nina—waiting patiently, channeling all the restraint of a man who could quote Post Malone’s “Hide My Gun” and still hide his feelings like his sidearm—until she finally said yes to that first date that changed everything. Eventually, they found that they had a mutual respect for the finer things in life. For Nina, that meant her closet—a veritable Louis Vuitton boutique that could cause spontaneous weeping in fashionistas everywhere. For Karl, it was his deep, passionate, borderline-spiritual connection… with all things YETI.

Yes, while Nina was curating her outfit for a beach day somewhere tropical, Karl was making sure their Carbliss was kept at an exact 34 degrees Fahrenheit… for 12 hours… in a Yeti tumbler… in a Yeti cooler… on a Yeti raft… possibly while wearing a Yeti hat.

But beneath the designer bags and beverage insulation lies a love that’s both genuine and battle-tested.

They’ve already embraced the good times—like their legendary vacations to tropical destinations every other month (yes, we’re all jealous), and chill weekends on the water with their boys—Noah and Duke.

And they’ve weathered bad times, too. Like that one time, Nina ended up in jail.

Yes. Jail. And Karl, being the hero he is, saved her life after she got shanked - it’s the tough times that truly prove their love.

(And while we don't have time to unpack all that, it does prove one thing—this man is ride or die.)

That’s a good thing. Because, today, Karl’s not just becoming a husband—he’s officially stepping into the role of stepfather to Noah and Duke.

Now, let’s be clear: Karl isn’t a guy who backs down from challenges. He’s trained, tough, and operates with the discipline of a Marine and the authority of a U.S. Marshal.

But when it comes to those boys? His heart is all in.

Because this isn’t just about marrying Nina. It’s about showing up for her family, with the same strength, loyalty, and love he brings to every mission—plus maybe a little more sunscreen, bug spray, and a whole lot more roughhousing!

Unity Ceremony

Noah and Duke, to help bless this marriage, please join your mother in a Unity Ceremony.

Declaration of Intent

Now, let’s make this official.

Karl, do you take Nina to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Do you promise to love her, spoil her, laugh with her, and always carry at least two Yeti products on your person at all times?

Karl: I do.

Nina, do you take Karl to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Do you promise to love him, admire his perfectly chilled beverages, and never question the necessity of owning multiple coolers for one boat trip?

Nina: I do.

Exchange of Vows

Now, Karl and Nina have written their own vows.

[Pause for personal vows Or Vows below if none]

Karl, repeat after me:

I, Karl, take you, Nina,

To be my adventure partner, my hype woman, and my fashion advisor.

I promise to support your dreams—especially if they include expanding your Louis Vuitton collection.

I vow to never let your drink get warm, your tan get uneven,

Or your online shopping carts go unchecked.

I love you, I respect you,

And I will always have a Yeti cup for you.

Nina, repeat after me:

I, Nina, take you, Karl,

To be my husband, my protector, and my forever Instagram husband.

I promise to love you, even if you spend $300 on a cooler.

I vow to ride with you—on jet skis, in first class, or backseat from jail.

I will cherish you, hype you up,

And make sure our lives are always a little bougee, a little crazy, and full of love.

 

Exchange of Rings

May I have the rings? These rings are a symbol of the circle of love—and luxury—unbreakable, everlasting, and yes, possibly insured.

Karl, place the ring on Nina’s finger and repeat after me:

With this ring, I give you my heart,

My loyalty,

And access to my Yeti stash.

Nina, place the ring on Karl’s finger and repeat after me:

With this ring, I give you my love,

My laughter,

And full permission to carry all the luggage—even the “just-in-case” suitcase.

 

Pronouncement

Well, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried (probably from laughing), and we've witnessed two incredible people declare their love with vows, rings, and a shared love of luxury and loyalty.

By the power vested in me by the State of Illinois and my complete faith that you two will soon have your own reality show, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Karl, you may kiss your bride—gently, though, she just got her makeup done.

Presentation of the Couple

Family, friends, and fashion icons in training,

It is my absolute honor to introduce to you for the very first time:

Mr. and Mrs. Karl and Nina Newman!